Disgusting Optimism. Who wants it?

I was true as the sky is blue, but I couldn’t soon say the same for you.
So now I find denial in my eyes. I’m mesmerized by the picture that’s in my mind.Tell me when I’ll finally see your shallow heart for what it is, because I don’t want to keep on believing in illusions. I’ve seen your act and I know all the facts-I’m still in love with who I wish you were.

It aint hard to see who you are underneath.
I’m still in love with who I wish you were.
I wish you were here.

~Wish you were here~ Kate Voegele~

Why is it that no matter how hard I try, optimism always wins out?

It’s as though I do want to keep on believing in illusions, hoping that I’m wrong. That they aren’t illusions.

But then I’d be wrong anyway for believing it to be an illusion and I hate being wrong.

 

 

 

 

Memories get the better of me.

Believing what exactly?

I think it was in ’06 that I truely recognised that music was the place that I turned to when I needed something or even someone which is not necessarily a good thing.
Actually, I’ve been doing it for years. In year 7, the girls in my class used to entertain themselves by mentioning a word or concept and seeing how long it took me to start singing a song about it. Chances are, if I have met you, there is a song which I associate with you.

Creepy huh?

My life events have a soundtrack as many lives of my generation do.

This week, ‘All for Believing’ by Missy Higgins has hit a particular chord (ha! that ones for you, joa) with me. I know it is so Summer ’04/’05 but here goes:

Pull back the shield between us, and I’ll kiss you,
Drop your defences and come, into my arms.
I’m all for believing, I’m all for believing.

I’m guessing so far Missy is indicating that she is all for believing in a particular love affair. All I can say is, so far, I am too.

I’m all for believing if you can reveal the true colours within.

Ah, the controversal ‘if’.

I know you blanket your mind so much that I am blind, but I, I see you’ve painted your soul into your guard,

I’m all for believing, I’m all for believing.

I need to know just how you feel, to comfort you; I need to find the key to let me in, into your heart, to find your soul.

Pull back the shield between us, and I’ll kiss you,
Drop your defences and come, into my arms.

I know how you feel Miss. Higgins.

I’m all for believing, if you can reveal, the true colours within,
And say you will be there for me to hold, when the faith grows old and life turns cold, when the faith grows old, and life turns cold.

Well, I will sing the rest of it with great conviction but I’m afraid that in this paragraph, Missy is both so right and so wrong. You see life does turn cold. Of course it does. The faith of a human struggles during this time, but Missy if you are going to rely on another human you will once more be disappointed. Despite the best intentions.

So if you’re cold I will stay, maybe fate will guide the way.

Only God can guide the way.

I believe in what I see

I believe in the unseen.

and baby we were meant to be,

How do you know?

Just believe (we’re meant to be).

But not all is love and sunshine when humans are involved.

Just believe (we’re meant to be).

But I know I will be selfish and I’m guessing he will be too.

Just believe (we’re meant to be).

I need to believe in more then serendipity.

Trust in me

So I will trust in Him.

Avril brings home the goods.

I am going to admit something freely that possibly loses me some credit points in the eyes of my readers. Here goes:

I love Avril Lavigne.

You see when Avril burst on the scene with the classic song ‘Sk8r Boi’ I was instantly enchanted. I taped it off the radio (come on, it was 2002) and listened to it constantly. However, I suddenly realised that my love for such a mainstream artist could be detrimental to my alternative image. I therefore resolved to bury that love.

It was not long after that I got sick. The sort of sick that gets you off school for a week but doesn’t inhibit your enjoyment of life. This was a year after her album came out and with little to do and no-one around to notice my actions, I snuck into my sister’s room and filched the ‘Let Go’ album. For the whole week I sipped juice from a straw, littered my floor with tissues, read Harry Potter and listened to the album on repeat. Every song was a winner and I sang my already hoarse lungs out as I learnt the words.

It brought me joy, the likes of which I barely see these days.

Soon enough ‘Under My Skin’ was out and by this point I was happy to admit it. I loved her songs. I loved that only she could get away with rhyming ‘dead’ with ‘said’ and then ‘dead’ again. I played it so often that my Dad even got into it, making up his own words as he sang along in the car, bopping his head.

This love even came in handy when I smashed my friend in SingStar singing along to ‘Complicated’. I assured her not to feel bad as I know that song inside out and upside down.

When I heard that Avril got married, I was overjoyed for her, but didn’t really care for her husband’s lamo-rock band Sum 41, until,

Gossip Girl.

GG featured a new Sum 41 song the other week and I was hooked, just as I had been on Avril.

Ok, so some would still consider this lamo-rock, but I don’t care. It speaks to me.

I don’t want this moment, to ever end,
Where everything’s nothing, without you.
I’ll wait here forever just to, to see you smile,
Cause it’s true, I am nothing without you.

Through it all, I made my mistakes.
I stumble and fall,
But I mean these words.

I want you to know, with everything I won’t let this go.
These words are my heart and soul,
I hold on to this moment you know.
Cause I’d bleed my heart out to show, that I won’t let go.

Thoughts read are spoken, forever in doubt.
And pieces of memories fall to the ground.
I know what I did and so, I won’t let this go.
Cause it’s true, I am nothing without you.

All the streets, where I walked alone,
With nowhere to go.
Have come to an end.

I want you to know, with everything I won’t let this go.
These words are my heart and soul,
I hold on to this moment you know.
Cause I’d bleed my heart out to show, that I won’t let go.

In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies,
When you don’t know what you’re looking to find.
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies,
When you just never know what you will find.

I don’t want this moment to ever end.
Where everything’s nothing without you.

I want you to know, with everything I won’t let this go.
These words are my heart and soul,
I hold on to this moment you know.
Cause I’d bleed my heart out to show, that I won’t let go.

See the thing is, I love poetry and when these words are read aloud it is poetry. Simple yes. But beautiful. It’s no Lawson (but let’s face it, not many things are) but the gentle rhythm and earnest longing that come through seem to show that pretention is not needed to create something with meaning.

I won’t even start on the swell of the music, the bass guitar and how you can always hear something new in the song if you listen with your eyes closed.

Sigh. I just realised that this post has very little point so I will leave it at this:

Band name, band name , band name.

Dear singles,

Please shut-up.

Valentine’s Day is way more fun when you are single. It brings with it the possiblities of the future which is far more exciting than any arbitury gift.

Sincerly,

xox

Maybe happiness is easier for some.

I re-watched Gossip Girl and realised that what I said about Nate was a bit harsh. He’s really only wooden when he’s supposed to be concerned or deep in thought.

He is, however, quite marvelous in the scenes where he is happily having fun. I just want to eat him, he is that cute!

I know I love it- Gossip Girl

So the latest episode of Gossip Girl was on tonight and I personally enjoyed it very much. I was squealing with excitement as the episode started and I was not disappointed.

The episode was entitled ‘Blair Waldorf Must Pie’, which is quite true as it turns out Blair is bulimic (which was not a shock haing read the books). I thought the issue was covered sympathetically albiet briefly. Nate’s acting is still wooden but he’s do darn cute that I don’t hold it against him. Dan is adorably faux-awkward as usual. Jenny and Eric are background characters this week but that’s ok. What is not ok is the sad lack of Chuck and his evil being foiled by his obvious love/lust for Blair. But altogether a great episode.

My head hurts after all that excitement so I am unable to scrutinise the way the trashiness is affecting my mind and my high moral values. Maybe that’s what is giving me headaches.

The Christian Underachiever

At school I was haunted by one phase- ‘Academic Underachiever’. That phrase was meant to describe me. Two succinct words that together created one of the most insulting phrases that was ever written on a report card.

• “Can’t work in groups.”
• “Constantly rushes work.”
• “Doesn’t reach her potential.”

The thinking behind this label was that I was intelligent and capable of ‘achieving’ high marks in class. The debater in me disagreed.

“If I did not get high marks then I am not able to get high marks so therefore I am not underachieving, I am achieving what I am capable of.” I would argue.

I was right in one sense, I was achieving what I was capable of. You see I could never quite find the concentration to learn my times tables when there were so many other things going on. Like my pet lizard which I creatively named ‘Lizzie.’

I was wrong in another way though. I wanted to do well. I wanted to get high marks in my tests and show everyone I was clever. I knew what was going on. I knew why the White Australia Policy was of great historical importance, but I could not reproduce that knowledge the way the teachers wanted me to.

Now, years later, I think back on primary and high school am glad that I am out of there. I am no longer the ‘academic underachiever’!

Yet- I feel like the second word lives on. I am still an underachiever only this time it is worse. It is not my marks that hang in the balance but my very life. It’s hard for me to say this but I am a Christian Underachiever.

You see because of the holy spirit I am no longer bound by sin. I am now free to live a sinless life.

I remind myself of Romans 6:17-18:

But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness.

Everytime I think of the sin in my life I resolve to avoid it-

Stop gossiping. Be kind. Give generously.

-but I am pulled back in by my own selfishness.

Only this time, I am not alone. You see in primary school it seemed like I was the only one unable to reach my potential, but as I reach for the bible I see that Paul, the uber Christian, had the same problem:

For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

Romans 7:19

It seems I am in good company.

What now?

What is eating Gilbert Grape?

So I was talking to J today who was gushing about her lovely brother. Frankly, I agreed. He’s lovely and pure in the way that most boys his age are not. You see J fainted the other day and fell down the stairs the poor muffin. Luckily, brother P was there to pick her up.

J: He was my knight in shining armour. He really was. You know how nice that feeling is when someone supports your weight and you feel safe?

Me: *Makes an inappropriate joke about incest*

But really I was happy for her. Truth be told, people can be loved and protected by those who aren’t their significant others. Anyone can be anyone’s knight.

It is a nice feeling. I’ve felt it myself on many occasions.

Shortly after that conversation though I got into an arguement with my bf, M. The shining armour faded and the rug was pulled out from underneath me. I am not perfect and neither is he, but we quickly worked things out. It got me thinking though- what happens if the shiny armour doesn’t come back and there’s no-one left to call? If my brother was away and I couldn’t reach my mum, where would I turn then? Who would support my weight?

Then I thought about Gilbert Grape. You know, the classic 1993 movie What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? Gilbert Grape is played by a young Johnny Depp (sigh, he’s a dreamboat) and is known as more than a knight in plain old shining armor (at least to his mother):

Momma: You’re my knight in shimmering armor. Did you know that?
Gilbert: I think you mean shining.
Momma: No shimmering. You shimmer, and you glow.

Aw. I want one. Now my standards have been raised! I want the shimmer!

But Gilbert Grape is a character and he too was not perfect.

Again, I meet a dead end. I can’t rely on friends, family or loves because ultimately they are all imperfect humans, and Gilbert Grape is a character. There has to be something more because I dread to think what I would do if left to my own devices.

We are blessed. There is something more:

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

Deuteronomy 31:8

Now that is an armour that will never fade- that will shine more brightly than magnesium being lit in year 9 science class and shimmer more dazzlingly than a diamond.

M*A*C Me Up

I love MAC cosmetics. They are so pretty. Ok, so maybe the packages are fairly plain and black, but they are classy.

Only problem is they don’t do gift with purchase. How rude. So what do I get for my loyalty to MAC apart from the perfect lipcolour (which is an exact match of my natural lip colour except better)?

Never fear, MAC have thought of it all! They have a way for the common girl to earn herself a free lipstick through recycling! YAY! Everyone wins!

All it takes is six ‘primary packaging containers’ (which is sad because I have six boxes ready to go, but make-up in my ‘primary packaging containers’ so boo, I have to wait till they are finished to redeem) and you’ve scored yourself a free lipstick.

Also, MAC’s Viva Glam range supports those affected by HIV/AIDS globally.

For more info check out:

http://www.maccosmetics.com.au/customerservice/cs_services.tmpl

http://www.macaidsfund.org/

So have fun and enjoy make-up with a purpose!

How low can you go: Sydney Edition

Soulja Boy up In it (oh)
Watch Me Crank It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy
den Super Man Dat (oh)
Now watch me yuaaaaaaaaaa!!!
(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)
Now watch me yuaaaaaaaaaa!!!
(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)
Now watch me yuaaaaaaaaaa!!!
(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)
Now watch me yuaaaaaaaaaa!!!
(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

Sydney. We need to talk. This is your second favourite song? Really?

What does ‘Crank Dat’ even mean?